This post is all about happiness...well how I arrived there...
You see for the past couple of years I have been discontent.. I just couldn't get settled and actually "smell the roses.." aka, enjoy life.. Now don't get me wrong.. I LOVE my Husband and feel incredibly blessed. The thing is I always felt like there was something missing. I was constantly entertaining the idea of going back to college to obtain my masters degree. In fact I took the GRE's and completed a course at UCLA to fulfill my pre-reqs. To give you a visual.. I always felt like I was at a "T" in the road. Which way do I turn.. Left was "school" and right was "motherhood." OR was there an alley or dirt road that I wasn't aware of!! :) Fear, hope, anxiousness, doubt are just some of those feelings that held me back..What if I make the wrong decision!
Well on August 6, 2011 the Lord made that decision for me... I was to become a Mom. This child was a surprise so when the news came I was in a bit of shock to say the least. A couple panic attacks later I somehow found peace within myself and came to the conclusion that this was what I have been waiting for. My answer.. my right hand turn. Throughout the end of my first trimester..2nd and entering my 3rd I was at such peace. Enjoying each day to the fullest. Actually taking the time to "smell the roses." Even my co-workers and friends commented how much more relaxed I was.
It was about three weeks to my due date that I started to doubt myself.. "Could I actually do this?" Well, on April 12th at 6:33am my new life began. It wasn't until 4 days later that we could bring him home and officially begin 24/7 parenting duty! We were both scared..yet excited. Those first couple of days.. were all about learning about each other. I really didn't have time to "think" too much..just act...instincts kicked in.. There were some bumps that we had to get over...and figure out but we did... Then, there was that moment.. "I think I can do this.."
About two weeks ago... we were taking Andrew for a walk.. I saw him smile. It was then it hit me... "I'm so happy." This was the feeling that I have been searching for.. that real emotion. Happiness & Contentment, then my eyes swelled up. Yeah, it kinda hit me just like that! I shared this with my Mother the other day... and she of course started to tear up. "This is all I ever wanted for you." It was definitely a moment..one that I won't forget. Does this sound cheesy? It may, but it really happened just like that.
I am soaking.it.up. Everyday...every minute I am soaking in my time spent with my Andrew..Watching his Daddy hold him. The late night feedings..the early mornings.. every cry, frown, smile.. I know there will be a million more bumps in the road..and there will be days I will be tested to the max but I know I can do this.